I've had my current hard drive and Windows XP system for at least five years, as far as Tim (in his Pierce LLC IT Guy Hat) can figure (he thought it was only three or four years until they looked at the old hard drive's identifier number). Then I began to develop symptoms of something called "bit rot."

Earthlink started to take offense at mails from random sources, shutting down completely each time a mail came in from one of them. If I clicked to delete the offending mail, Earthlink shut down. I had to wait for other mail to come in, read the mail before and after the nasty mail, then delete all three together so I did not touch the offender. This began to happen more and more, until I began to consider other providers. I had learned from my last new computer that it's impossible to transfer old Earthlink mail and files. That's why I kept putting off a new hard drive. But other problems were happening, and my system was running more and more slowly. Moreover, it was making changes in a way I could only describe as "sticky," letting go of old screens and bringing in new ones in a reluctant way. (Computer folks, I know you're screaming at my lack of industry terms. Too bad.) Tim convinced me that Windows 7 was a vast improvement on Windows VISTA, which I tried for a week and refused to touch again.

I asked him to do the new installment while I was in Pittsburgh. I've been here before, you see. There's my poor computer with its insides open for everyone to see, and Tim with his head under my desk, cursing and sweating, and inevitably the right parts aren't there, and then there's that whole trauma-inducing procedure of copying everything off and reinstalling, or in this case, installing a new operating system and copying my old files onto it.

And then there's what happens when I come home. "Is it done?" "It will be."

"Is it done?" "I'm having problems importing your Earthlink files to your new Earthlink." "As in?" "I can't copy over your old e-mail." "My old 200+ e-mails." "Yeah, those. Sweetie, I'm sorry. We've been through this before--" "I know, I know. My address book?" "I'll check. Honey--I can't copy your address book, either. It won't let me." "::ground teeth (if I didn't have business cards with the Earthlink address and if I didn't dislike gmail's arrangements I'd switch):: Print it out, if you can, okay? It's all right. ::hating on Earthlink::"

"Honey, why do I have a new/differently arranged (but at least still ergonometric) keyboard?" "Remember you asked me to use the air can on the old one? I did and it destroyed half of your keyboard."

"Is it done?" "It's done. Come give it a try." "Why is there a fish on my screen? Can I put my own photos up?" "I think you can. Here--open Photoshop--" "Oh, good, something worked!"

"Why can't I have my living screen fish and Shanghai Dynasty on this computer? Oh--I have to download Adobe Flashplayer. Honey, is it safe to download Adobe Flashplayer?" (We've had a lot of fun with phishes and scams of late.) "Go ahead."

"Honey, where's my iTunes?" "Uh-oh. Let me see if I can bring that in today."
Now, people who aren't in the arts may not get how some of us in the arts, who use music when we work, NEED our music. The only people who NEED music more than we do are teenagers, and for many of the same reasons. I need my music.
Tim returns to me, all jovial. He has easily transported all of my iTunes to Windows 7. It moved easily. All I had to do was authorize my account, which I did. I clicked on a song to listen. It sounded like a warped LP. Okay, it's an old song, and I'd noticed a couple of my songs had developed some blips. I tried another, and another. I'd been on Windows XP the last two days, sending all of my unanswered e-mail to my gmail account so I could deal with it there, so I knew my songs were okay on the old hard drive.
"Tim! My songs are gorbling on iTunes!" "What! You're sure!" "Fuck yes I'm sure! And they weren't doing it on my old iTunes. And I authorized them and everything!" "Okay, okay . . . " Assorted checks, double checks, wavings of beads and rattles, checks online. Finally he says,
"Uh, honey? Windows 7 is one of those systems that doesn't play well with iTunes."

No. Not my tunes. Not my music.

He thinks another hard drive will help with some of the problems.

Then we added my PalmOne Palm Pilot, a Tungsten, fairly basic model, except Windows 7 has an exception to adding my freaking documents. You know: notes from which I speak on important occasions. Windows 7 has the balls to bitch about one of my author devices.

I am fucking fed up with this smug, self-satisfied, money-grubbing, dunghill cock internet, services, and systems providers! Personal computers have been available for nearly thirty years; laptops and hand held systems which include computer-based technology have been available for 20-25 years or so, and still these pissing little electronic fascists have not been able to work out some manner of outlet-swiving bridge to cover those areas in which other providers have covered a function in a manner which the consumers--YOU KNOW, you pus-dripping proprietary self-lickers, THE PEOPLE WITH THE MONEY--prefer!

Like kindergarteners, you churls would rather cling to a corner of the sandbox that will be obsolete next month and make life inefficient and MISERABLE for those who pay for your bowls of M&Ms and your sexy architecture, without ever once looking up from the wet spot you just pissed in to realize that those same chumps are leaving you for the jungle gym! You've had thirty years to realize this proprietary crap is what comes out of the southbound end of a northbound mule, and yet every time a new and wowserly wonderful new operating system comes out, you make it even more impossible for the consumer to set it up to include everything s/he needs in one computer, because you greed-headed technoleeches can't figure out that sooner or later we're going to take a match to that sucking hole you call an ass, and switch to Linux.

Thirty years, and instead of expanding your horizons to make life easier for those who pay your bills, you make it narrower, and harder. All of you. This is why this country is in a recession, you know. Because our executives root like pigs for truffles, clearing them all out and leaving nothing for future growth. Go on grabbing that money now, you curs. Sooner or later even the couch potatoes will get sick of your shit.